Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Time to get myself back

My passion for things in my life started to slowly leave me about two years ago. But this year it seems like I gave all of my passions up and became a shell of a person. It happened so slowly that I did realizes myself was gone.
January 2014 we found out my dad was down to months not years to live. To much iron was building up in his liver. He did try treatments the year before but decided he did not like living his life like that. He know he was not long for this earth when my nephew came from out of state for Thanksgiving. Dad told him that was the last time he would see him. At the same time I was having some physical problems. The first thing that went was my love for all Holidays. Decorating for holidays was a favorites thing of mine. I just wanted the holidays to pass by unnoticed. Which with four kids is not a great thing to wish.
Next it was my total joy and love for cooking. The passion for new ingredients and new recipes.
The months before dad passed where very emotional. I didn't agree with some of the thing happening with my dads auction "Treasures". I felt like it was cannibalism to sell things before he was in the grave. I didn't say anything because I knew it had to be done. My parents always had money problems and to pay bills it had to happen. My sisters and brother picked out somethings to keep but it we just to painful for me.
My dad died May 1st 2014. Two days before I had surgery. The day of dads funeral my niece spoke for my sisters because of their grief but I needed to stand up and speak for myself. Of my memories of dad.
It took almost a year for my brain the grasp the fact the he wasn't going to be at an auction when I walked in.  For if the kids did something I could not call him to tell him. I truly liked sitting at an auction all day even if I only bought one thing. But that was not fun anymore.
The end of last year my love for writing started to go away. I used to fill notes of everything in my life. I threw them out.
I March I use to start plants in the house to put in my garden. Not this year. I did not even put a garden in at all this year it is just grass where my garden used to be.
Then my appearance didn't matter anymore. No skin care routine. Not showering for three four days. I leave the house without doing my makeup and hair more times then not.
It is time to get some feeling back in my life.  My health has been suffering.   June 30th, 2015

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